The Sinister Start
by PearlGirl
Summary: What would happen if you took the Lemony Snicket plot and inserted Harry Potter characters? Find out by reading and REVIEWING! COMPLETED!
1. Chapter one

DISCLAIMER- I do not own any of the characters except for Aries. I stole them all from Harry Potter. I also don't really own the style of writing. I stole that from Lemony Snicket.   
  
  
  
Book the First of the Series of Unlucky Occurrences  
  
THE SINISTER START  
  
by Remis Lupin  
  
  
  
To Aries:  
  
Gentle, gracious, gone   
  
Chapter one   
  
This is not a happy story. I would recommend putting it down right away. It begins with tragedy, there are many tradegies in the middle, and it ends with a catastrophe, which here means tragedy. You may have heard of the expression, "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." This means that if you get a gift, such as a horse, you should not be picky and critical about it. You should be content with it.   
  
  
  
Now, the Potter childrens' lives do not contain many gift horses. It's true that at the start they were quite content, because they started out with a gift horse. Harry, at age 14, was the oldest of the Potter children. He was a decent wizard, as were all the Potters, and he enjoyed Quiddich, a sport played on a broomstick. He was always feeling the wind and thinking about how it would feel to be up in it riding a broomstick. He was the seeker on their school Quiddich team.  
  
Hermione, at age 13, was the middle Potter child. She was very smart and extremely good at spells. She almost always had her wand with her, and was constantly waving it and muttering spells under her breath. At that moment, her hair was tied up in a ribbon to keep it out of her eyes. This showed she was concentrating on a spell, and didn't want to be distracted by her hair.  
  
  
  
Ron was the youngest Potter. He was 12, and enjoyed chess very much. He and his father, James, would spend hours playing wizard chess. Ron was very proud on the day that he finally beat his father, who was also quite good. He was six years old at the time.   
  
  
  
The Potter children lived very happy lives, and they didn't think that they were at all taking them for granted. Today, they were spending the day in Hogsmeade, a town near their home. It was Winter Break, so they were not required to attend Hogwarts, their Wizard School. Hogsmeade was not very crowded during such cold weather. The three siblings were sipping Butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks. Harry was studying the Quiddich poster that hung on the walls, Hermione was thinking about the right spell that would warm up her butterbeer, which had started to get cold, and Ron was puzzling over a chess game that he had not quite finished with his father.  
  
  
  
Suddenly, the Three Broomsticks' doors opened, and in stepped a short man with a hat. Harry looked up at him dubiously. At first, he was a bit wary of him, especially when he sat down at the table next to him and his siblings. Then he recognized him, and greeted him.  
  
  
  
"Hello Mr. Fudge." Harry nodded.  
  
  
  
"Hello Mr. Fudge." Hermione said.  
  
  
  
"Hello Mr. Fudge." Ron smiled.   
  
  
  
Mr. Fudge did not smile back. Instead he looked sadly at the children, and sneezed into his handkerchief. Mister Fudge was a friend of Mr. and Mrs. Potter, and the children remembered him having dinner with their family on many occasions.   
  
  
  
"I'm afraid I have something dreadful to tell you children." Mr. Fudge sighed, looking down at his feet. "Your parents, and your house, and all your furniture, clothing, toys, broomsticks, wands, books, pieces of parchment, chess sets, dishes, dolls, wands-  
  
  
  
"You already said wands." Ron pointed out, hesitantly.  
  
  
  
"Ah, yes." Mr. Fudge nodded. "Well, that and much more have been destroyed by a horrible fire.  
  
  
  
The three children stared at him in silence. They couldn't possibly believe what was happening. They just gazed at Mr. Fudge unblinkingly.  
  
  
  
"I am in charge of your affairs." Mr. Fudge continued, pausing to sneeze into his handkerchief. "When Harry comes of age, you will receive the vast Potter fortune. Until then, it will be kept in Gringotts. I will begin looking for a home for you at once. For now, you can live with my family."  
  
  
  
The Potters just nodded dumbly. They were still in a state of stupor.   
  
  
  
"Come along Potters." Mr. Fudge said, standing up. He began walking toward the door, and the children- orphans now- followed him into their new, horribly unfortunate lives.  
  
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	2. Chapter two

DISCLAIMER- Don't own the Harry Potter characters, or the style I'm using, sadly. I do own the brats Sugar and Vanilla however. Hee hee. I love having snobby characters.  
  
Chapter two  
  
There is no way whatsoever that I could describe that feeling of loss that Harry, Hermione and Ron felt as they surveyed their destroyed home. Harry could see, within the burned ashes, the remains of his Firebolt, the best broom that galleons could buy. Hermione was able to see the bits of pieces of her favorite book, Hogwarts, A History. Ron poked through the remnants of the wooden chess set he had been using in the game against his father, knowing now he would never finish it. "Oh well." Ron told himself. "I would have won anyway." But this thought did not make him feel any better.  
  
For the next week, The Potter orphans had to live in Mr. Fudge's home, which only made them feel worse. They were forced to share a room with Mr. Fugde's two daughters, Sugar and Vanilla Fudge, who were very vain and self-centered.   
  
That night they were having a dinner of fried potatoes, fried chicken and crisped- a word which here means fried- spinach. Mr. Fudge put down his fork and annonced that he had found a guardian for the children.  
  
"Thank goodness." Sugar said, sticking her nose in the air. "They're so mean and snobby. Hermione never wants to help clean up the kitchen or make my bed."  
  
"All Harry cares about is flying our broom around." Vanilla added. "You'd think he could at least help by sweeping with it."  
  
"And all Ron wants to do is play chess." Sugar continued, talking as if the orphans weren't there. "I mean, how booooring."  
  
"They should realize that we're giving them the gift of sharing our bedroom." Vanilla concluded. "I guess they never heard of the expression 'Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.'"  
  
"Who is it?" Harry asked. He was the only one of his siblings brave enough to ask.  
  
"He is either your fourth cousin seven times removed, or someone with the same name as your fourth cousin seven times removed." Mr. Fudge answered. "His name is Lord Voldemort."  
  
The three Potters looked at one another. They had never heard of any relative by that name.   
  
"It was your parents' wish," continued Mr. Fudge, "That you be raised in the most convenient way possible." he paused to sneeze into his hankercheif. "This Lord Voldemort is the only relative you have who lives within the urban limits."  
  
"But our parents have never talked about him, or invited him over for tea." Hermione said. "If he's our relative, you'd think we would have heard of him."  
  
"You'll have to ask him when you meet him." Mr. Fudge said firmly.   
  
"What is he besides a lord?" Ron asked. "Does he work for the ministry?"  
  
"No." Mr. Fudge said. "He is an actor by trade. Lord is his title."  
  
"Does he live alone?" Hermione wanted to know.  
  
"You will find out tomorrow, when I drive you there." Mr. Fudge said. "Which reminds me, you'd better start packing."  
  
The three siblings looked at each other, then down at there plates which had not been touched. Mr. Fudge had obviously not realized how stupid the thing he just said was. The children had absolutely nothing to pack. True, Mrs. Candi Fudge had given them a few pairs of horribly uncomfortable clothes, but they weren't about to pack them. And they didn't have anything to pack the nothing that they owned in. But instead of pointing this out, the Potters decided to leave the table and go to the rooms they were sharing with Vanilla and Sugar, since then they wouldn't have to eat any more of their abhorrent, a word which here means overly-fried, dinner.  
  
The next morning, Mr. Fudge popped his head in the door and said. "Get up andstretch, Potters! After you have had breakfast, we'll load your stuff into the car."   
  
The Potters didn't think anyone would need help hauling their non-existant belongings to the car, so they went to breakfast, which, as it turned out, was wrinkled oatmeal, with wrinkled raisins and wrinkled strips of greasy bacon. The orphans decided they weren't hungry, especially not for such abhorrent, a word which here means extremly wrinkley, food.   
  
Harry, Hermione and Ron had just gotten into Mr. Fudge's automobile when Mrs. Fudge came running out after them. "Wait!" she called. "Don't forget your stuff." She dumped three brown suitcases into the car ontop of them. The orphans were surprised and overjoyed.   
  
"Maybe they saved something from the fire." Ron whispered their thoughts aloud.  
  
The orphans peeked into the suitcases with excited face, which were soon replaced with disappointed sighs as the orphans saw that they were stuffed full of the all horribly uncomfortable clothing the children had purposely not packed.  
  
"Vanilla and Sugar decided to be very gracious and donate all their old clothing to your cause!" Msr. Fudge said cheerfully, as Mr. Fudge began to drive the automobile out of the garage. "Good-bye Potters!"  
  
After driving for some time down the London streets, past Diagon Alley and the train station, Mr. Fudge stopped the automobile outside a large house. After pausing to sneeze into his hankercheif he announced "Welcome to your new home, Potters."   
  
The Potters got out of the car to get a better look at the house they were going to be living in. It was rather large and had nice, neat flower gardens. There was a very large yard in front, and even some Quiddich goals set up, Harry noticed. It appears the house's owner enjoyed this wizard sport almost as much as the oldest Potter.  
  
Hermione was quick to see that the owner of the house had a spell set up that provided water for the flowers, so they didn't need to be watered. She was pleased to note the complexity of the spell, and hoped the owner was good with a wand.   
  
After examining the yard in hopes of finding something that he would enjoy, Ron looked in one of the windows. There was a polished chess set sitting right next to one of the first floor windows. It looked as if someone had started a game, and Ron hoped he could play on it soon.  
  
Then the door of the house opened, and a middle aged women stepped out. She had short gray hair, and piercing hawk-like eyes. Then they softened when she noticed the children. "Hello." She said pleasently. "Are you the children that Lord Voldemort is adopting?"  
  
"Yes, we are." Harry said. "I'm Harry Potter, and this is my sister Hermione, and brother Ron."  
  
"It's nice to meet you." the women said. "I'm Madam Hooch. I'm a judge at the Ministry of Magic."  
  
"That sounds very interesting." Hermione said politely. "Are you Lord Voldemort's sister?"  
  
"Oh, thank goodness no!" Madam Hooch laughed. Then she covered her mouth. "Now that wasn't too nice of me was it? He lives across the street." she pointed.  
  
The children turned and looked at the house she was pointing at. It was a house that looked as if it would fall apart at any moment. It was malodorous, cloddish and paltry, which are words which here describe a place nobody in their right mind would want to live. The children looked at it dubiously.   
  
Mr. Fudge had already walked over to the house and rang the doorbell. The Potters followed him, careful to step on the dirty sidewalk leading up to the door, rather than tread on the dirty ground, littered with broken butterbeer bottles. When they reached the door, they saw a painting of a black skull with a serpant in its mouth on the door. As they children gazed at the skull, they felt as if it were watching them. Suddenly, they wanted to do nothining other then run right back into the car, dodging the lumps of weeds and patches of dry grass that littered the unkept lawn.   
  
Then the door opened, and they came face to face with their new gaurdian. Actually, face to chest is more like it, seeing as Lord Voldemort was more than a head taller then them. Their eyes traveled up his body; from his sockless feet to his left ankle, which sported a tattoo of a skull matching the door's painting, to his skinny legs, up his body and right up to his smiling, dirty face, stopping at his shiny, shiny eyes. They also noticed that instead of two normal eyebrows, as most wizards had, he had one long eyesbrow, connecting over his nose.  
  
"Welcome, Potters." He croaked, smiling that same nausiating smile. The children gulped visibly.  
  
"Come in, come in." he said, beckoning them into his home. They slowly forced themselves to enter this man's house. Mr. Fudge followed them, eyeing the chipped paint on the walls, and the unswept floor.  
  
"This place needs a good remodeling." Mr. Fudge said. What Ron wanted to add was that it need to be bulldozed, and totally rebuilt, but he was too well-mannered.  
  
"Well," Lord Voldemort said smiling at the Potters, "I'm sure if we used some of the Potters' fortune, we could get it fixed up."  
  
"The Potters' fortune," Mr. Fudge said sternly, after sneezing into his hankercheif, "Is to be kept at Gringott's bank until Harry comes of age. It will not be used before that time."  
  
Lord Voldemort glared daggers at Mr. Fudge. Then suddenly, he chuckled softly to himself and smiled. "Of course, Mr. Fudge. Thank you for bringing the children."  
  
"Goodbye, Potters." Mr. Fudge said. "I really must be going back to work. You can call me at any time. I work in Gringotts bank."  
  
"What's your phone number?" Hermione asked.  
  
"I have a phone book." Voldemort said quickly. "Goodbye Mr. Fudge." and he slammed the door shut. The children stared at the closed door, which had the symbol of a skull with a snake in its mouth. They felt as if they were the snake, and they were trapped in this house, with no way to get back to Mr. Fudge and their previous lives.  
  
  
  
REVIEWERS-  
  
Visualpurple- Hello penpal! You need to write stories for fanfiction! You can write them about the joys of eatting grass-flavored Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans. Did you get your birthday present yet? It's going to be late. We had to get a little package to put it in. I want the next Lemony Snicket book to come out soon, don't you? Send me more of your pretty pictures of all the characters.  
  
DweemAngel- I'm glad you liked my story. I also love Harry Potter and Lemony Snicket. I can't believe they're going to make a Lemony Snicket movie, can you? It's going to be weird. How are they going to get an actor small enough to be Sunny? If you have any ideas for Harry Potter characters that could be put in this story, just tell me.   
  
REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!!! 


	3. Chapter three

Don't own Voldemort  
  
I wish I owned the   
  
Style of writing  
  
Can't claim   
  
Lemony Snicket's ideas for the plot  
  
And Quiddich   
  
Isn't  
  
Mine  
  
Either  
  
Remis Lupin, the writer, doesn't belong to me  
  
READ and REVIEW!!!  
  
Chapter three  
  
BEFORE YOU CONTINUE THIS STORY YOU MUST KNOW THAT I GOT MY BRACES OFF AND I AM JUMPING FOR JOY  
  
I wish I could say that the children were looking a gift horse in the mouth when they examined Voldemort's house with distaste, but the fact was that Lord Voldemort's house was no gift. I wish I could tell you the children were just being stubborn and spoiled when they couldn't settle into the one bedroom Lord Voldemort gave to them, but in truth, they were being wonderfully well-mannered. It was their whole situation that was the problem, not their attitudes toward the situation.   
  
To help you to better understand what the Potters were going through, I will now describe their room. For those who do not like to listen to depressing, discouraging descriptions, please rip this page out of the book.  
  
Their bedroom contained one bed, and even that was too small for them, so their feet would hang over the edge. The bed was missing one of its legs, causing it to tilt uncomfortably to one side. The mattress was very lumpy, even more so then the floor. The children took turns sleeping in the bed, though they couldn't decide if the floor or the bed was more unpleasant. The two orphans who slept on the floor would use the curtains for sheets. Unfortunately, the curtains were full of holes and covered with ugly patterns of weeds and dead flowers.  
  
Voldemort had been so kind as to provide a stick for each of the children to play with, if they ever got bored of sitting and staring at the wall. Of course, they never had time to be bored because every morning they awoke to Voldemort's voice telling them the chores they had to do each day. Apparently Lord Voldemort was a good enough wizard to be able to jinx a tape recorder into playing back everything he said into it each morning. This meant they would have to listen to his scratchy voice everyone morning, snickering as it named chore after chore.   
  
The day before, the chores had been to paint the roof of the house with a hideous can of barf-green paint, and to mop the kitchen floor. Because there was no paintbrush, Hermione had to use her wand and change a sock into a paint brush. Harry found a broom in a closet that looked a lot cleaner than the actual house. He supposed that Lord Voldemort had never thought to actually clean his own house. The oldest Potter flew onto the roof with the broomstick and began painting.  
  
Ron took charge of the mopping. He used his logic skills, honed by playing so much chess, to help him make sure he didn't mop himself into a corner, and then have to step on what was already clean. Hermione bewitched the mop so that it never ran out of water.  
  
The following day, the orphans listened to Lord Voldemort's voice, and it told them to "Prepare dinner for my theater troupe tonight. Make sure you provide dessert as well. The money is in the kitchen cupboard. I'm sure you brats can figure out how to open it. If you can't, that's not my problem!"  
  
They found the kitchen cupboard, and realized, to their consternation, which here means dismay, that it was locked. But Hermione took her wand, clearly said "allohamora," and the door swung open, to reveal one galleon and two sickles.   
  
"That won't buy much." Ron pointed out sadly.  
  
"We don't know how to cook, anyway." Harry said.   
  
"Wel,." Hermione grinned proudly, "I know how to bewitch something to cook."  
  
"But you need a recipe," Harry sighed. "You can't just say 'Oven, cook!'"  
  
"And I need ingredients," Hermione added. "I guess we'll have to go Diagon Alley. But where to get a recipe?"  
  
They looked everywhere for a recipe book, except of course for the cellar. Lord Voldemort had warned them never to go there. It was in the ground in back of the house, with a metal grate that opened up into it. It looked very dirty, and the Potters didn't think they'd ever want to get in anyway. They were wrong about this, of course. Soon, Harry would risk his life to get down there. But they didn't know that, only I have the unfortunate knowledge of how this story will go.   
  
When they could find no cookbook, they all gathered in the kitchen again. "Let's visit Madam Hooch," Ron suggested. "She might have one."  
  
"All right," Hermione agreed. "She was such a nice lady."  
  
They walked across the street to her house, glad to get away from all the pictures and images of skulls in their relative's house. Harry rang the doorbell, and after a few minutes, Madam Hooch answered it.  
  
"Why hello, children," she greeted them. "Come in, come in. What can I do for you?" The orphans stepped into her lovely house. They felt guilty about bringing their dirty shoes into such a clean home, so they carefully wiped their feet first. Hermione wished she could take a shower.  
  
"Lord Voldemort wants us to make dinner for him and his theater troupe, but we don't have a cookbook." Ron explained.  
  
"My, my." the nice lady shook her head. "He wants children to prepare his dinner? That seems like a lot of work."  
  
"We're used to it." Hermione said. She didn't add that they were used to it because Lord Voldemort worked them like slaves.  
  
"Come up to my library," Madam Hooch said. "I'll see what I can find."  
  
Now there are many kinds of libraries, and the orphans would see many of these types in their lives. There are public libraries, School libraries, and ancient Greek libraries. There are secret libraries, Informational libraries, and even libraries that are dismal enough to carry tragic stories such as this one. I have even, in my lifetime, come across an Orderly Territorial Population library. But the one the children were in was a private library. It was similar to the one that was now bits of charred rubble in the remains of the Potter mansion. The children were delighted and awed by the beauty and pleasantness of Madam Hooch's library. It had nice squishy chairs and rows and rows of books.  
  
"The cookbooks are over here," Madam Hooch said, showing them to a special section of a blue bookshelf. "Would you like something simple, perhaps? How much money do you have to spend?"  
  
"Only two sickles and a galleon." Ron showed her the money in his pocket.  
  
"Hmmmmm." Madam Hooch frowned. "Let's try something without meat. That's usually cheaper."  
  
After looking through two books, they found a Muggle recipe entitled Macaroni and Cheese.   
  
"Sounds interesting." Harry commented.  
  
"Sounds easy." Hermione approved.  
  
"Sounds cheap." Ron agreed.   
  
The Potters all nodded. They had decided. If only, the Potters thought, life was as straight forward and easy as this recipe. And if only it could come out with the same delicious, a word which here means not terribly unfortunate, result.   
  
REVIEWERS-  
  
C'est pas une flame- I had to ask my mom what your pen name meant. She knows a lot of French. Are you French, or do you just like French? I'm glad you liked my story.   
  
Visualpurple- I'm sooooooo happy I got my braces off! I'm going to explode! My teeth feel so slimy and freeee! Glorious freedom! No more brace-face, metal-mouth or tin-grin for me! I still want you to write a story of your own. You neeeeeeeeeeeeed to. I'll review it, I promise. Just make something up. Pick a random situation and stick Harry Potter or Lemony Snicket characters in it.  
  
Dweem-angel- I have plans for Hagrid. Hee hee. But it's actually not until the Reptile Room. I'm planning on continuing doing this for most of the Snicket series, but it might take a loooong time. Remus is already in it, silly! He's Lemony! And his love (Beatrice) is a lady I made up named Aries. I got the idea because Remus is a star and Aries is a constellation. I also like the name Aries. Dumbledore..... hmmmmmm...I'll think about him. Yes, I'm going to have fun with Voldemort's henchmen.  
  
READ AND REVIEW!! 


	4. Chapter Four

DISCLAIMER- Sadly, I don't own the characters or the plot. I don't really own the recipe for Macaroni and Cheese either. This is a good recipe, by the way. I just HATE watery macaroni and cheese recipes, or boxes that come with gross, fakey tasting cheese.  
  
READ AND REVIEW!!   
  
Chapter four  
  
The Potters copied the Macaroni and Cheese recipe from Madam Hooch's book onto a piece of spare parchment. Then the nice lady was kind enough to give them broomsticks and fly with them to diagon alley.  
  
They managed to locate a shop selling noodles and selected the cheapest ones, which were shaped like wizard hats. They found shops selling butter that never froze, cheese that could shred itself into little bits if you said "Gratora" to it, and some creamy milk that never went bad. After buying these items, they realized they still had one sickle left.   
  
"Get some jello for dessert." Madam Hooch suggested. So they spent it buying jello that turned from red to purple, depending on the temperature.  
  
"Thank you for taking us shopping," Harry said to Madam Hooch, after they had arrived back at Voldemort's house.   
  
"It's no problem at all, dears." the lady replied. "Come over whenever you want."  
  
After taking a last breath of fresh air, the orphans stepped back into Voldemort's filthy house. Ron tried to hold his breath as long as possible.   
  
"We'd better start." Hermione nodded toward the clock. "It's almost five, and Voldemort usually gets home around six."  
  
The Potters entered the kitchen, and managed to locate a dented pot that was buried under a filthy robe in one of Voldemort's cupboards. Hermione read the directions out loud, Harry boiled the water and began mixing ingredients into the pot, and Ron set the dining room table, since he was the only orphan who could remember the proper arrangement of all the cutlery.  
  
They had finished making the Macaroni by 5:45, and Harry mixed the jello. By 6 o'clock, Hermione had charmed the jello so that it didn't need to freeze overnight. Her brothers were just finished cleaning the kitchen when Voldemort came stomping into the house.  
  
"What's that I smell?" he roared, sniffing like a dog and marching toward the kitchen. "It smells like rabbit food! Why don't I smell steak?"  
  
The orphans looked at each other and frowned. Lord Voldemort's message hadn't said anything about steak. Just then, Voldemort entered the room, along with the rest of his troupe. The Potters looked with fear at the horribly ugly and sinister people Voldemort took pleasure in sharing his time with. The man on his right had long blond hair and cold, hard eyes. He glared at them hungrily, as if they had something he desperately wanted. The man at Voldemort's left was short and balding. He looked a bit nervous himself, with his watery eyes and rodent-shaped face. Behind the Rodent-Man were two men who were large and fat, with rippling muscles. They grunted at the orphans. There were even more men and women that the Potters couldn't see very well, because they were hiding in the shadows of the kitchen.   
  
"Where's the steak?" Voldemort grunted. He looked around the kitchen, as if maybe the children were hiding the steak on top of the cupboards.  
  
"There is no steak." Hermione said, acting more brave then she felt.  
  
"No steak!?" Voldemort didn't take bad news well. His eyes flashed in Hermione's direction, and the skull on his ankle seemed to glare as well.  
  
"You didn't say anything about steak!" Harry said angrily. He had the worst temper problem in the Potter family. "You just said make dinner!"  
  
"Dinner means steak, you idiot orphans!" Voldemort yelled. "What kind of parents did you have?"  
  
"Oh, these are Lily and James' kids?" The Cold-Eyed man sneered softly. "That explains a lot." All the troupe laughed at that remark, as if it was a big joke, not a completely unnecessary insult.  
  
"Well, as long as we brought tons of fire whiskey," Voldemort said, "It doesn't matter what the food tastes like."  
  
"Yeah!" The troupe cried, and followed Voldemort into the dining room, leaving the Potters behind. They huddled together, afraid of all these horrible, terrible, and awful people that had just entered into their lives.   
  
Then the troupe began to yell for the food to be served. Hermione quickly grabbed the pot of Macaroni and cheese, and carried it into the kitchen. Her arm began to ache as she walked to each plate and scooped some noodles and cheese onto it. The whole troupe was very drunk, and Hermione watched with disgust as they downed bottled after bottle of fire whiskey. The middle Potter vowed never to drink whiskey of any sort after having  
  
to watch that display.   
  
When Hermione had finished serving, Harry went around dishing out the jello. Voldemort glared at it. "Why is it *wiggling*? This is orphan food!" The troupe laughed along with him. Harry turned as red as the jello, and hurried out of the room.   
  
The orphans ate the leftovers in silence, trying to ignore the clinking of whiskey bottles and the rather colorful adjectives coming from the other room. They winced at each rude word and covered their ears when Lord Voldemort began singing "Yo ho yo ho, an actor's life for me!"  
  
Finally, the member's of Voldemort's acting troupe began to wobble toward the door. Voldemort yelled to the orphans "We're going to our show now! You need to clean up, then go to your rooms."  
  
"Rooms?!" Harry exclaimed, a little too loudly. "Oh, I didn't know you'd given us our *own* rooms! How *silly* of me! I thought you'd only given us one lousy room, with a falling-apart bed!"  
  
Voldemort stumbled into the kitchen. "What did you say?" he growled at Harry. The eldest Potter kept silent, knowing he shouldn't push Voldemort too far. "You can always *buy* another bed, or another house for that matter!"  
  
"You know we can't use that money until I'm old enough." Harry grumbled.   
  
Voldemort stared at him for a second. Then he snarled and pulled out his wand, pointing it at Harry. "Wingardium Leviosa!" he yelled. Harry felt himself leave the ground. Looking down, he saw he was about five feet off the floor.  
  
"Put him down!" Hermione screamed.   
  
"Sure." Voldemort snarled. He waved his wand and Harry flew across the room, banging his head into a cupboard. Ron ran over to his brother and tried unsuccessfully to wake him up.   
  
"He's unconscious." Ron told Hermione, who looked ready to burst into tears.  
  
One of the large men laughed. "Serves the orphan right."  
  
"If I know you, my Lord, " The Cold-Eyed man murmured. "You've got a plan to get that fortune."  
  
Voldemort just smiled, and his eyes shone like he'd just told a joke. He turned and walked out the door. The rest of his troupe followed behind him, excluding the Cold-eyed man. He walked over to Hermione and roughly grabbed her chin.   
  
"You're a pretty one." he muttered softly. "I wouldn't be getting in his Lordship's way, if I wanted to keep that pretty brown hair." then he turned and left.  
  
Harry woke up when the door slammed behind the Cold-eyed man. "What are we going to do?' he moaned. "We just can't stay here!"  
  
"We'll think of something." Hermione tried to comfort him, although she felt just as miserable. The Potters all huddled together on the kitchen floor, sobbing softly. They realized that the floor was more comfortable then their itchy bedroom carpet and lumpy mattress, so they lay down and slept side by side in the kitchen.   
  
REVIEWERS-  
  
Visualpurple- I forgot to mention, I sent you an e-mail explaining how to post your story on fanfiction. If you need help, just call me. I'll try to do my best at explaining. Alania says she'll check over your story. (That's my sister's pen name on fanfiction) I'm sure it's a lot better then you think it is. I thought my first story was pretty weird. Actually, I think all my stories are weird, in an insanely random sort of way.  
  
ERMonkey, Queen of Insanity- I like your pen name. Queen of Insanity, not bad. Why the ERMonkey bit? I love the Series of Unfortunate Events too. I can't wait till the next book comes out!  
  
Candidus-Lupus-Full Moon- You haven't read the Reptile Room? You need to! That's one of the best ones! I read them in a weird order too. I read the first, then the fifth, then the sixth, then the second, third, fourth, and I was normal after that.  
  
Samara Morgan-ring- Ugh! The Ring. You're pen name is from the movie 'The Ring' right? That movie was SCAREY!!! and FREAKY!! I had nightmares for a week! I had to keep telling myself "Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts." I'm so paranoid now. I hate static tvs. I found a unlabeled video tape in my house that I am NEVER going to watch. After I'd seen the movie, I was talking on the phone to one of my friend's who'd seen it and I said "Seven days." She practically killed me!   
  
READ AND REVIEW PEOPLE!!! 


	5. Chapter Five

DISCLAIMER- I own nothing. Except the idea for a book called "Checkmate-or is it?" My brother's obsessed with chess and I know he'd read a cheesey book like that.  
  
READ AND REVIEW!!  
  
Chapter Five  
  
Unless you have had both parents die in a horrible fire and are currently living with a terrible relative, you cannot possibly understand how the Potter orphans felt that night. I will not describe it, because that would fill you with such woe that you might just waste away, as I am doing as I think about my dear Aries, who is long gone. You can probably understand, however, that if you are feeling very sad, going to bed and waking up the next morning can make you feel better. In the light of a bright new day you can think about your situation in a more positive manner. So it was with the Potter siblings.  
  
This morning, Lord Voldemort's harsh voice ordered them to go outside and clean out his yard, which was full of broken Firewhiskey bottles, leaves and bits of trash. "You can weed the garden tomorrow." He'd informed them.  
  
Harry, Hermione and Ron went outside and began their work. Hermione used her wand to charm the broken pieces of glass into the trash can, Harry flew around on one of Voldemort's old broomsticks and picked up trash, and Ron took care of raking the leaves.   
  
While the children worked, they talked about thier situation. "We can clearly not stay in this horrible situation any longer." Harry concluded, rubbing the back of his head, which still sported a large bruise from where he was thrown against the cupboard.  
  
"But at least we have a house, and a guardian." Hermione argued. "I don't think we'd be safe on the streets."  
  
"A guardian is supposed to protect you." Ron said logically. "Voldemort is clearly not protecting us, unless knocking Harry unconcious was in some way saving him from grave danger."  
  
"I wish we could use our money now!" Harry sighed sadly. "We shouldn't have to wait till I'm older. Then we could buy a nice mansion to live in, which guards trained to arrest Lord Voldemort if he happened to come by." he smiled. "And a huuuuuge Quidditch field where the best teams would play, right in our backyard!"  
  
"I'd want a library." Hermione said softly. "Filled with hundreds of spellbooks."  
  
"How about a giant chessboard, where the pieces moved by themselves and you commanded them," Ron murmered, "Like a captain in the army. But I don't think they could make a chessboard that big."  
  
"We should talk to Mr. Fudge." Hermione decided. "He said we could talk to him at any time. He works in Gringotts bank."  
  
"Uh, Hermione." Ron tapped her shoulder. "Have you seen any communication devices whatsoever in Voldemort's house? No Floo powder, the fireplace isn't magical and I haven't noticed any special seeing-mirrors."  
  
"Ron, you're being silly." Hermione said. "I could make a seeing-mirror. I've made one before."  
  
"But that was with our father's help." The Potters went silent for a minute at the mention of their father. Then Hermione broke it. "I'm sure I can manage."  
  
Encouraged by their plan, the Potters worked faster then ever and soon the yard was free of garbage and leaves. This did not make it any more homey, however, seeing as their were still many weeds and clumps of dry grass remaining. The Potters ignored these and rushed inside where they began working.  
  
Harry went flying out into the yard where he got water from the well so they could wash the only mirror they could find, which was so filthy it was impossible to see one's reflection in it. Then he began scrubbing the mirror. Hermione carefully made a list of all the things she would need to create a looking glass. Ron went around looking in all the places that the objects should logically be, in a normal house. Of course, he soon remembered they were not *in* a normal house. The youngest Potter then began looking in some of the least likely places, and he managed to find lemon juice and some other ingredients in a boot that was hanging on a hanger in Lord Voldemort's closet.   
  
Once they had gathered up all the ingredients, Hermione began to get to work. In order for the mirror to become a looking-glass and be able to communicate with Mr. Fudge, it needed to be cleaned with a mixture of certain liquids. After the mirror was clean enough to see through, she hung it on a hook that was attached to the wall. Then she held her wand up and said clearly   
  
"Mirror, mirror, on a hook, I would like to take a look."  
  
The mirror's surface rippled and turned pearly-white. Then a voice asked "What or who would you like to see?"  
  
"It's Mr. Fudge I'd like to see, Gringotts bank is where he'll be."  
  
"What's with all the rhyming?" Ron snickered. Hermione glared at him. "It's just the way it works." she said defensively. "*I* didn't make it up. The mirror doesn't respond unless you talk in rhyme."  
  
Then the mirror's surface rippled again. This time it showed Mr. Poe working at his desk, which was covered in parchments. He had at least four quills that were scratching away busily by themselves. Behind him was another mirror and two fireplaces.  
  
"Hello, Mr. Fudge?" Harry called into the mirror. Mr. Fudge gave a start and looked up at them. "Why hello, Potters." he replied. "I'm very busy at the moment. Is this important?"  
  
"Yes." Harry assured him.  
  
"Well," Mr. Fudge rubbed his head. "What is it?"  
  
The Potters paused for a moment, unsure how to phrase their situation. Then Harry said, "Lord Voldemort is insane. We can't possibly stay with him anymore and expect to remain unharmed."  
  
"We haven't even remained unharmed up til now!" Hermione exclaimed. "Look what he did to my brother!" she showed Mr. Fudge the back of Harry's head.  
  
"He makes us do all his chores." Ron added. "And-"  
  
Just then, Mr. Fudge looked down at one of the quills that was writing on a parchment. "No, no!" he cried. "Stop writing down everything they say! You're only supposed to write what I say!" Mr. Fudge paused to sneeze into his hankerchief. Then he cried. "No, don't write what I'm saying right *now*!" The pen continued to scribble along the page. "Stop!" Finally, Mr. Fudge took about his wand, pointed it at the quill and said "Inflamous!" the pen caught fire and burned to a blackened crisp.   
  
"Oops." Mr. Fudge muttered. "Wrong word." Then he finally turned about to the Potters. "What were you saying?"  
  
"He made us cook dinner for him!" Harry cried out.  
  
"And for the rest of his theatre troupe." Hermione added.  
  
"And we didn't know how to cook." Ron pointed out.  
  
Suddenly, one of the fires behind Mr. Fudge turned green and a man's face appeared in it. "What's the command code again, Cornelius?"   
  
"It's quite simple." Mr. Fudge sighed. "It's one-two-three-four-five-six-eight. How hard can it be?"  
  
"It's the last number that I get stuck on." the man replied. "We should have made it a seven." then the fire returned to its normal firey red.  
  
Mr. Fudge looked down at his papers and sighed.   
  
"Uh, Mr. Fudge?" Harry asked. Mr. Fudge jumped. "Oh, you're still here! You didn't heard that code, you understand? It wasn't for the room where we keep our rubies! Definitely not! So don't try it on the room at the end of the second floor hallway because it won't work!"  
  
"Okay, we won't." Hermione assured. him.  
  
"And Lord Voldemort drinks too much Firewhisky!" Harry continued.  
  
"He only gave us one bed!"  
  
"He calls us orphans all the time!"  
  
Mr. Fudge sneezed into his hankerchief and held up a hand. "Are you familiar with the Latin term 'in loco parentis'?" he asked.  
  
The Potters stared at him. Latin was none of their strong suits.   
  
"It means acting in the role of a parent." Mr. Fudge explained. "Lord Voldemort is your legal guardian, and is therefore allowed to use any methods of parenting he sees fit to use. There's nothing I can do about the way he treats you. Besides, I think you children are simply looking a gift horse in the mouth. Have you heard of that expression? It means not appreciating what is given to you and being critical. It was nice of Lord Voldemort to agree to house you. You really should try to work out your differences with him, understand? "  
  
The orphans understood too well. They understood Mr. Fudge was far to busy to listen to their concerns. They understood that he didn't find it nessesary to try and fix their situation. And lastly, they understood that they were all alone and if anything was to be done, they'd need to do it themselves.  
  
"Well, I really must get back to work." Mr. Fudge broke the awkward silence. "Goodbye."  
  
The mirror turned opaque. Harry sighed. "Let's go see Madam Hooch." he began to walk toward the door.  
  
"I don't think she can help us." Hermione said gloomily. "Not with Lord Voldemort being 'in loco parentis'." the middle Potter quoted Mr. Fudge rather sarcastically.  
  
"We're not going there for help." Harry explained. "We're going there for books."  
  
And so the Potters spent the rest of that day happily curled up in Madam Hooch's puffy chairs, reading books. Harry was reading a book called 'Quidditch through the ages.' Hermione was skimming a spell book entitled 'Removing Pimples and Other Unwanted Facial Features'. She was also waving her wand and trying some of the spells. Ron had chosen the book 'Checkmate!-Or is it?" a book on chess strategy. He'd begun reading the book after beating Madam Hooch three times in wizard chess.  
  
While the Potters did not literally escape Lord Voldemort and his treachery, they felt as if they had, because they were out of his disgusting house and away from his horrible breath. They couldn't help hoping that soon they would turn their figurativel escape into a literal one.  
  
REVIEWERS-  
  
Always Rosalind- Just curious, what's your pen name mean? I'm glad you liked my story. You need to read more of the books! The fifth one is my favorite because they meet the Quagmires!  
  
VisualPurple- Hello! We have a half day of school on Friday! Muahahahahaha!!!!! It's because the little fifth graders are coming to look around at our biiiiiig (not really) school. I wish we could be there so we could tower over them and look really mean. Then they'd be really scared. Hee hee. I know, that wouldn't be nice. Bad PearlGirl! Bad! I'm free the weekend after Mother's Day.   
  
READ AND REVIEW!! 


	6. Chapter Six

**DISCLAIMER**- I don't own the plot or the characters. I offered Lemony Snicket money, but he refused, saying it was his 'duty to record the Baudelaire orphans lives' meaning nobody else can own them. Grrrrrr.  
  
**READ AND REVIEW!!  
**  
**Chapter six**  
  
The following morning, the children stumbled into the kitchen to find Lord Voldemort in person.  
  
"Hello, orphans" He greeted them. "I've made you a breakfast of pancakes."  
  
The Potters looked, and to their surprise they saw three plates, each stacked with two pancakes, whipped cream and strawberries. This was such a huge surprise, they got suspicious immidiately. If you worst enemy gave you a chocolate bar, would you eat it right away? They wondered if maybe the whipped cream was something gross like shaving cream, and Lord Voldemort was playing a trick on them.  
  
Lord Voldemort saw them sit down nervously and smile weakly. He grabbed a strawberry from Ron's plate, the largest one with a lot of whipped cream on it, and stuffed it in his mouth. "Yummy-yummy!" he smiled, not noticing the smear of whipped cream on his nose. "Eat up, Orphans. I know children like you loooooove pancakes, don't you?" He cackled. Hermione and Ron weren't convinced, but Harry was hungry and began eating. When the other children saw he hadn't keeled over, they helped themselves.  
  
The pancakes were good, but not nearly as good as the ones their mother, Lily made. Those were in different shapes and colors.  
  
"Mr. Fudge contacted me by way of a new looking-glass that appeared in the kitchen." Lord Voldemort gestured to the mirror Hermione had bewitched. The orphans looked at each other nervously. They had hoped Mr. Fudge would keep their conversation private.  
  
"He told me you appear to have had trouble getting used to the home I have so graciously provided for you." Lord Voldemort paused, then added. "Graciously means out of the goodness of my heart."  
  
The orphans almost laughed at that obserd statement. You'd have to search long and hard to find goodness in their wicked gaurdian's heart, or entire body for that matter.  
  
"I'm sorry to hear you're not happy." Lord Voldemort's eyes were shinying as if he'd just told a joke. "I've just been very busy with my next play, and that might have caused me to act a little uninviting."  
  
The children would have laughed at Lord Voldemort's poor usage of the work uninviting, but they didn't really want to get slapped in the face, just as Harry had. Uninviting is a word which does NOT mean providing one bed for three children, forcing them to do chores and abusing them. It means simply that someone is not being courteous as a host or hostess.   
  
"To make you feel more.....invited," Lord Voldemort continued, his eyes shining. "I want you to be in a play my group is performing. It's called The Wonderful Wedding, by Tom Blorroddle. This Saturday night is the performance. The main character is a handsome, brave, intelligent smart and very humble man, played by me. In the finale- which means ending, by the way- he marries a young, beautiful women in front of a crowd of cheering wizards and witches. Harry and Ron will pretend to be brothers. Do you think you can do that?" He glarded at them, and they nodded, then rolled their eyes. It wouldn't be hard to pretend to be something you already were.  
  
"I'd love to help transform items for the set." Hermione said. "I'm very good with a wand."   
  
"Work backstage?' Lord Voldemort cried. "A pretty girl like you shouldn't work backstage."  
  
"I'm not that pretty." Hermione shrugged.  
  
"Can't argue with that." Ron murmered. Hermione glared at him.   
  
Lord Voldemort shook his head, trying to stay calm. "No." he said firmly. "You WILL be an actress. In fact, you will be the women I marry."  
  
Hermione felt the pancakes in her mouth turn to sawdust. Her stomach churned and she mumbled. "I have to go to the bathroom." She raced out of the room, and could be heard emptying her stomach into the trash can.  
  
Lord Voldemort pretended he couldn't hear her. "Remember to tell your sister that all she has to say is 'I do' when Madam Hooch askes her if she will marry me."  
  
"Madam Hooch is in it?" Harry asked.   
  
"Yes." Lord Voldemort replied. She is qualified as a teacher at Hogwarts School to oversee the wedding."   
  
"Why does she need to be qualified?" Ron asked. "It's not a real one."  
  
"Oh course not." Lord Voldemort muttered hastily. "I just want to make it authentic." He stood up. "Be ready by Saturday." Then he left. A few minutes later, Hermione returned.  
  
"I guess it won't be that bad." Harry said.   
  
"He's just got to be up to something." Hermione muttered, more to herself then her siblings.   
  
"I don't know." Ron said. "A play sounds pretty innocent."   
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Lord Voldemort? Innocent? I think not."  
  
"I wish I knew more about inheritance laws." Harry said sadly. "Because I know Lord Voldermort wants our fortune."  
  
"I wish I knew more about Lord Voldemort." Hermione added. "Because I know that he's planning to do something dreadful."  
  
"I wish I knew more about this play." Ron pointed out. "Because I know that it's a part of his scheme."  
  
The children thought for a few minutes. Then Hermione burst out. "We could go to Madam Hooch!"   
  
"But she's Lord Voldemort's neighbor." Harry said. "She'd probably blab to him."  
  
"Then lets consult her books!" Ron cried. They all nodded in agreement. Books were more helpful them people most of the time, anyway.  
  
"At least she isn't uninviting." Harry added. The Potters laughed at Lord Voldemort's poor use of the word. Then the ran to Madam Hooch's house, hoping they would soon figure out Lord Voldemort's plan.  
  
**REVIEWERS**-  
  
ERMonkey, Queen of Insanity- Yeah, it's hard to remember to write Lord Voldemort instead of Count Olaf. I'm not surprised I screwed up.   
  
visualpurple- Hello. I left you a message on your phone. It's really thunderstorming out. And I'm home alone. Scarrrrey.   
  
Candidus-lupus-full Moon- Thanks for reviewing. Glad you liked my chapter. 


	7. Chapter Seven

**DISCLAIMER-** Why are you reading this disclaimer? It will only make you weep because you will realize that I own nothing! You don't want to know that I don't own any of the characters, because it will make you miserable. Stop reading this disclaimer right now! It's too sad! Why are you still reading?   
  
**PLEASE DON'T READ AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T REVIEW!  
**  
**Chapter Seven**  
  
There are many, many, many, (times a gazillion) types of books in the world, just as there are many different kinds of people. That way everyone can find a book that he or she likes. There are books about wizards and witches who attend schools and do magic. There are books in which heros go on quests in order to destroy rings of power. There are  
  
also plenty of books about superheros who are part spider. But one type of book that nobody in their right mind would want to read is a book about law. If you were taking a test and the question asks you to name three synonyms of the word boring, you could write dull, uninteresting and a law book, and the teacher would give you credit.   
  
The only reason someone would read a law book is if it were either nessesary to save their lives, or it held a piece of paper with a coded message on it. The Potter's reason was that they were sure something in a boring law book would save their miserable lives.   
  
"Goodness sakes." Madam Hooch exclaimed, when she saw the Potters picking out books on law. "I thought you were interested in exciting things like Quidditch, the history of Hogwarts, and chess."  
  
"Oh, we are." Harry said quickly. "But lately, I've been really interested in law and the court system."  
  
"Especially inheritance laws." Hermione added, hoping Madam Hooch would be able to suggest a book.  
  
"Inheritance?" The lady said in surprise. "Dear, I don't think you'll get much of an inheritance from Lord Voldemort."  
  
"We know." Ron said. And they did know. They knew that Voldemort would probably rather burn his stuff then let them enjoy it after he died. Not that they would enjoy it, and not that he was going to die any time soon, unfortunately.   
  
"I've been reading through all my books about wedding ceremonies and such." Madam Hooch said. "that way I'll be all prepared for the play!"  
  
"Are you excited?" asked Harry.  
  
"Oh yes!" she said. "I've always wanted to act on Broadway since I was a little girl. I figure this is as close as I'm going to get to my dream career." She looked at her watch. "I'd better go. The Quidditch game is on! Ireland verses Norway!" she rushed down the stairs, leaving the orphans behind.  
  
"I guess we can't talk to her about our suspicions." Hermione sighed sadly.   
  
"Enough talk!" Harry ordered. "Let's get cracking at those books!"  
  
They all picked up books from the Law shelf and began reading. After about 20 minutes, Harry asked hopefully. "Anyone found anything?"  
  
Hermione yawned. "Nothing helpful. How about you Ron?. Ron?"  
  
They looked at Ron who was lying on the sofa, breathing heavily. His head drooped and a book lay open on his lap.  
  
"Well, he got to the second page before he konked out." Hermione said, trying to be enthusiastic.  
  
"What? Who?" Ron opened his eyes. "I didn't do it!"  
  
"You're right, you didn't read anything!" Harry said.   
  
"I'm not a strong reader." Ron shrugged. "Hermione's the best. I'm going to watch Quidditch." He got up and stumbled out of the room. Hermione and Harry rolled their eyes at each other.   
  
"_He's_ no help." Harry muttered. "I read about a stone that supposedly turned everything to gold. Sounds ludicrous. Anyway, an old man was going to give it to his friend when he died. Turns out, they decided to destory the stone because it made everyone greedy."  
  
"Well, our fortune is certainly making Voldemort greedy." Hermione nodded. "But we can't destroy it. I read about a half-giant who wanted to give his hut and dog to his baby dragon named Norbert when he died."  
  
"What happened?" Harry asked.   
  
"Since dragons are illegal they had to get rid of it."  
  
Just then, Ron's voice called up from downstairs. "Lousy ref! What a bad call! Stupid, dumb, Norwedigans! Bet they couldn't even fly twice around the field without falling off their cheap brooms!"  
  
"Ireland's losing?" Harry cried. "They need my support!" He rushed down the stairs, leaving Hermione with the fate of all three orphans in her hands.   
  
"Great." Hermione muttered. "Figures. That's just like a **boy**!"  
  
Then she heard a voice from the doorway. "You there! What are you doing?" It was one of Voldemort's assistants, the tall man with the silvery-blond hair. He snatched the book. "Why would anyone in their right mind want to read about law?" he spat.  
  
They would if it was nessesary to save their lives, Hermione thought.   
  
"Where are the rest of your siblings?" he asked.   
  
"Downstairs, watching Quidditch." Hermione answered.   
  
"Quidditch is on?" the man exclaimed. "You mean, the Ireland verse Norway game! I can't belive I'm missing it!" He ran downstairs.   
  
Hermione blinked, then looked at her watch. The Quidditch game would be over in two minutes. She didn't have enough time! Looking around, she grabbed the first book she saw. It looked extremely long and tedious, with an old, faded red cover and no title. She tucked it into the pocket of her robes.   
  
Then the blond-haired man yelled from downstairs. "What?? Ireland **WON**?!" Then he began swearing like a crazed man. Finally, he calmed down and yelled, "Orphan, come down here! We're going home!"  
  
Hermione hurried down the stairs, hoping that he wouldn't take out his anger at Ireland on her and her siblings. As she felt the book in her robe, she wondered if the book she'd choosen would save their lives.   
  
**I'M IN HIDING RIGHT NOW SO THERE IS NO WAY TO REACH ME WITH YOUR REVIEWS!**  
  
**REVIEWERS-**  
  
goindown2southpark- I'm glad you liked my story. Thanks for reviewing.  
  
Brittany Malfoy- I want to do all the books, but it'll probably take a looooong time. I am planning chracters, like I know who Montgomery's going to be. I've got a good idea about the Quagmire's too. I'll decide after I finish this weither I want to do another one.  
  
That person over there- Yeah, I was surprised how well that Harry, Hermione and Ron fit into the Lemony Snicket world too. Some characters don't work so well, thought. I also think that Hermione Potter sounds a bit...... weird.  
  
ERMonkey, Queen of Insanity- Here's my update. Sorry it took so long. See, I have this thing called homework. It's a terrible thing that my brother Eugene (name changed because Eugene is a funny name) doesn't seem to have any of. Lucky. Seventh graders have it easy. 


	8. Chapter Eight

  
  
**DISCLAIMER**- I don't own any of the characters.  
  
_Chapter eight_  
  
Hermione stayed up all night reading her book that she had taken from Madam Hooch's house. She quite frequently stayed up all night reading about this or that, but had never been forced to stay awake and read a book to save her and her siblings' lives.   
  
The book she had picked was long and difficult to read because it was a law book. It also didn't help that it was extremely dark and Hermione had only the light of her wand to read by. She found herself losing her place and having to go back and read paragraphs over.   
  
The book she had picked was long and difficult to read because it was a law book. It also didn't help that it was extremely dark and Hermione had only the light of her wand to read by. She found herself losing her place and having to go back and read paragraphs over.   
  
The book she had picked was long and difficult to read because it was a law book. It also didn't help that it was extremely dark and Hermione had only the light of her wand to read by. She found herself losing her place and having to go back and read paragraphs over.   
  
But then she remembered the way the Cold-eyed man with blonde hair had looked  
  
at her and hurriedly continued reading.  
  
Then, after reading a certain paragraph over many times, she realized it was a good thing she'd picked this book. She'd found what she was looking for. Tiptoing quickly to the door, she opened it and closed it quietly behind her. Then she went to the kitchen and found Lord Voldemort there, drinking some sort of disgusting liquid in a mug with the Dark Mark on it.   
  
"Hello, my bride to be." he said. Then added hastily, "The play is going to be put on today."  
  
Hermione felt her heart beat faster. She wasn't comfortable with accusing such an evil man, even if her accusation was true. Who knew what he could do? "I've been reading an interesting book." she said slowly. "Called A Wizard's Guide to Nuptial Law." she held it up, and he glared at her.  
  
"The word nuptial," Hermione said, "means 'relating to marriage'."  
  
"I know what the word means!" Lord Voldemort hissed. "Where'd you get that?"  
  
"From Madam Hooch's library." Hermione said. "And I've found out your evil plan."  
  
"WHAT??!" Lord Voldemort cried."You couldn't have! I mean," he took a deep breath, then asked innocently, "What evil plan is this?  
  
"You're going to try to marry me legally." Hermione answered. "All you have to do is get me to sign a document and say 'I do' in the presence of someone authorized to marry people."  
  
"You're too young!" Voldemort cried.  
  
"As long as the legal gaurdian agrees, it's fine." Hermione said. "And you are my legal guardian!   
  
"It's just a play!" Voldemort laughed.   
  
"You're just trying to get us to think you're being a good father and allowing us to be in your play!" Hermione accused. "You want to get us to think we're looking a gift horse in the mouth by being suspcious! But you really are trying to marry me!"  
  
"Why would I want to marry you anyway?" Voldemort asked. "Sure, you're pretty. But a handsome man such as myself can afford to be picky with his women."  
  
"A legal husband would have control of our fortune." Hermione said quietly and glared at Voldemort.  
  
Lord Voldemort's eyes grew very shiny, and he smiled a thin smile. This surprised Hermione. She'd expected him to grow violent and try to throw things at her. Instead, he said, "Why, aren't you a smart little bookworm. You're the smartest witch of your age. Now, run along and tell your brothers that you've defeated the evil Lord Voldemort."  
  
Hermione blinked, then said, "Fine. I will go tell them."  
  
She walked into her siblings room and first woke up Harry, who was in the bed. "I stayed up all night reading, and figured out Lord Voldemort's plan!" she cried.  
  
"Huh?" he mumbled.   
  
"He's trying to marry me and get control of our fortune!"   
  
"What fortune?" Harry muttered, then his eyes closed and he began snoring. Hermione sighed. Harry had never been a morning person. Then she looked for Ron. But he wasn't on the floor, where'd he'd been sleeping last night.   
  
"Ron?" she called. "Are you in the bathroom or something?"  
  
Then she heard laughter and turned to see Lord Voldemort standing at the door, head back, laughing manically.   
  
**REVIEWERS  
**  
ERMonkey- It must be just seventh graders at our school who have no homework Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Kitsune-Chan 8- You've never read the Series of Unfortunate Events? They're really funny and good! Oh well. I didn't know the actors' ages. In the Series of Unfortunate Events, they're a 14 year old, a 13 year old and a baby. I just decided to make them a year apart in my story, and I thought Harry seemed like the oldest.   
  
**READ AND REVIEW!!**


	9. Chapter Nine

**DISCLAIMER**- Sorry, I've been away in China, so this chapter took a long time in coming. But I don't own the characters or the plot.  
  
_I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE READING THIS. IT'S CALLED THE SERIES OF UNLUCKY OCCURANCES BECAUSE SO MANY UNLUCKY THINGS HAPPEN TO THE POTTER ORPHANS THAT MOST ORDINARY PEOPLE CAN NOT STAND TO READ ABOUT THEM. THE ONLY REASONS WHY YOU WOULD READ THIS IS IF YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO, OR THERE IS A SECRET MESSAGE FOR YOU INSIDE OF IT. SO PLEASE, MAKE ANOTHER SELECTION._  
  
**Chapter nine**  
  
"Hmmm. Ickle Ronnykins is gone, is he?" Lord Voldemort asked, when he had finished laughing. "I just can't believe it! It's dangerous for a 12-year-old boy to be wandering around at night."  
  
"What did you do to him?" Screamed Hermione.   
  
"_Me_?" Cried Lord Voldemort. "You're accusing _me_?" He gave her an innocent look, then smiled and his shiny eyes looked at her hungrily. "Okay, so I know where he is. And if you'll follow me, I'll enlighten you."  
  
Just then Harry gave a start and woke up. "Huh?" He mumbled. "Where's Ron?"  
  
Hermione grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the door of the bedroom. Lord Voldemort sneered, then left the room. Hermione, with Harry in tow, followed. They left the house by the back door and Lord Voldemort led them onto the lawn. They stopped in front of the grate that looked down into the well. Their evil guardian looked in and said, "It's not every day you see and orphan underground."   
  
Hermione and Harry looked down, and Hermione let out a whimper. Their was their youngest sibling, in a cage attached to the wall of the well. It was not a very large cage, and Ron did not look comfortable in the least. His mouth was gagged, and he couldn't see his siblings looking down at him.   
  
"Let him go!" Harry commanded, trying to sound brave and important. He ended up sounded like a pleading wimp.   
  
"Well, if you really want me to." Lord Voldemort chuckled. "But you see, at the bottom of the well is quite a lot of water. Maybe about ten feet. Unless your wonderful brother can swim in a cage with both hands and legs tied toghther..." he smiled nastily.  
  
"No!" Hermione cried.  
  
"We'll do...anything." Harry grumbled. He hated given in. It wasn't in his nature.  
  
"Anything?" Lord Voldemort promped. "Really. Do tell. How about you, my dear daughter? Would you do anything?"  
  
Hermione gulped and shivered. Daughter?  
  
"Would you, say, marry me in my play?" Voldemort sneered. "After all, it's only a _play_. And you wouldn't want your brother to die!"  
  
"All right." Hermione sighed. "I promise to...marry you." She shivered. She couldn't imagine living a life with Lord Voldemort.   
  
"That's my dear." He laughed and smoothed her bushy hair. "It won't be that bad, living with me, will it? I wouldn't dispose of you like your two pesky brothers. You're quite pretty, after all."  
  
Hermione just shivered again, and found herself staring at Lord Voldemort's ankle, and the skull tatoo that was gleaming on it. He wasn't wearing any shoes or socks. She felt that the skull was staring at her, and the snake in its mouth was hissing.  
  
Lord Voldemort began to brag about his cleverness. "While you were busy reading your head off, and your brother was busy snoring, I was busy getting my assistant to sneak in and drag Ronnykins out of the room. He was asleep of course. Then my assistant simply locked him in the cage down in the well. Quite a simple plan really, for a man of my intellect." He laughed again, then barked out, "Back into the house! Ron will get out as soon as my play tomorrow is over."  
  
When Harry and Hermione were back in their room, Hermione sank into bed, crying. She couldn't believe that she was going to have to marry his evil, cruel, and unbelievably cunning brute. At last, she sank into a fitful slumber, a word which here means, full of terrible dreams of Lord Voldemort and his evil scheme.  
  
But Harry ignored Hermione. He was too busy thinking. Thinking and making his own schemes. Schemes that, if successful, would free Ron and allow them to escape.  
  
**REVIEWERS**  
  
HaveFunWithThat- I'm glad it was better than you expected. Thanks for being honest and saying you thought it would suck. Of course, if you thought it really did suck, I wouldn't have wanted to you to be honest. The writing style is really hard to do, but it's fun!   
  
ERMonkey, Burner of Cookies- I'm glad you liked it. I decided to change to wording in the books a lot to better fit the characters. Even though the eldest Baudelaire is shy, quiet, and well mannered, I'm going to keep Harry as his usual blunt, outgoing, easily angered self.  
  
SRAndrews- Glad you liked it. Sorry about the Mr.Poe/Mr.Fudge mess up. I ALWAYS do that! It's so hard because I'm basically writing the Lemony Snicket story with different charcters. I keep wanting to write Count Olaf instead of Lord Voldemort. My favorite is the Austere Acadamy.   
  
Banana-Anna428- I love your name! Banana-Anna! Hee hee. I have a friend who I call Hannie bananie. Hmmmm. Yes, Trelawny would be a good Aunt Josephine. But who would be Ike? I shouldn't have said the Potters' parents' names, though. Oh well. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do all the books.   
  
Sparrow Greenleaf- WHAT?? You've never read Series of Unfortunate Events??? READ IT! READ IT! READ IT! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW! Ok, I'm done ranting. I'm glad you like my story. The first book is called The Bad Beginning (instead of the Sinister Start)  
  
Dweem-Angel- Hello, I remember you! I'm glad you came back!   
  
Celly- READ THE SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS NOW, NOW NOW!! DON'T WAIT! YOU MUST READ THEM NOW! Okay, okay, I'll calm down. No, I've never read 'Cirque du Freak'. Isn't that French? Or Spanish? I'll look them up.   
  
Sandaa Shojo- Yeah, the blonde-haired man is Lucius Malfoy. The rat faced man is Peter and the two big men are Crabbe and Goyle. I'm glad you liked it.   
  
Visualpurple- I'm answering all your Star Trek questions in this. Hee hee. You called me "wise and learned teacher". I like that. A Vulcan is a species with green blood, pointy ears, strange slanted eyebrows, and an obsession with logic. Spock does have emotions, but he tries very hard to surpress them. He's very good at it too. Live long and prosper is a Vulcan greeting which goes with the Vulcan Salute, in which you form your hand to look like . A Ferengi is a greedy species with big ears and a bumpy head. I doubt Spock has even eaten a donut. Ensign is a rank on a starship (you know, Lieutenent, Captain, etc.) The lowest rank, I might add. They usually have red shirts. In almost every episode, the main bridge crew and a random ensign with a red shirt whose name is never mentioned beam down to a planet. Then something kills the ensign right away. It's a joke that landing parties (the people who are beamed down to the planet) have to beware if they're wearing a red shirt because they're sure to be the first to die. A nerve pinch is something Vulcans do that makes people unconcious. They pinch a nerve in your shoulder. The brig is the jail cell on a ship. Khan is the ultimate bad guy. Veeeery evil.   
  
Roseanna- Cool. Harry Potter and Lemony Snicket are your two favorite stories. Moldy Voldy. Hee hee. I hope you didn't get in trouble. I sometimes do with my Mom when I go on the computer too much. She gets really annoyed because she wants to check her email.  
  
Alouette- Glad you liked my story. Wow, you actually like cliffhangers. I like writing them, but I HATE it when they're in stories that I'm reading.  
  
hypaanimeluva- I like your name, it's cool : ) Glad you liked my story. Thanks for reviewing!   
  
**READ AND REVIEW!**


	10. Chapter Ten

**DISCLAIMER**- I don't own the characters or the most of the plot of this story. I do, sadly, own some of the very miserable things that are in this story, including a very old broomstick, a journey into a damp cellar, and a terrible cliffhanger. Please don't continue reading. It will only make you miserable.  
  
With all due respect, PearlGirl  
  
**Chapter Ten**  
  
That night, Hermione was the Potter orphan sleeping fitfully in bed and Harry was the Potter orphan who was staying up and working by the light of the moon. All of that last day before the performance, the children had wandered around the house, doing the chores Lord Voldemort assigned, and looking miserable. Hermione was too tired to speak, and Harry was too furious at being outwitted by Lord Voldemort to start a conversation, because he knew it would only end with him using some very profane words to describe Lord Voldemort, and this story is rated G.   
  
That night, Harry went around the house, searching for a broomstick. Not just any broomstick. He needed one that would fly well. Since Lord Voldemort was a wizard, Harry only hoped he would have one. Otherwise he could try to bewitch one himself, but that would be difficult. As he looked, he remembered something his mother had told him, when he was five. "You are the eldest Potter child. It's your responsibility to look after your siblings. Promise us you will keep them out of trouble." Harry had promised, and now he felt he was breaking this promise, since Hermione was marrying against her will and Ron was trapped in a damp cellar.  
  
After looking in the obvious places, such as the closets and kitchen, Harry decided to look in the least likely places. Finally, he found one underneath the very bed Hermione was sleeping in. "Wish I had looked there _first_," Harry muttered to himself.  
  
He took the broomstick outside and sat on it. Nothing happened. "Come _on_!" Harry cried. He jumped off the ground once, then twice, and on the third time the broom seemed to muster up enough power to stay in the air.   
  
"Good." Harry breathed a sigh of relief. Then he nudged the broomstick's front toward the grate on top of the cellar. The broom began to float toward the cellar, picking up speed as it went.   
  
Harry worked out his plan in his mind. He would float down the dark cellar to where Ron's cage was, and break it open with his wand. Then Ron would hop on his broomstick, and they would fly away. He'd pick up Hermione, and they'd all go live somewhere else.  
  
The broomstick had reached the grate and Harry grunted as he pulled it off. Then he noticed, by the light of the moon, that there were stairs leading down into the cellar.  
  
"I could have just _walked_ down those!" Harry felt extremely stupid. Then he examined the stairs and saw they were dangerously crooked and breaking apart. A broomstick would be faster and safer.  
  
He slowly descended into the damp cellar. The broom was going very slowly, but at least it was flying. Harry was glad that the cellar was fairly wide, so the broomstick fit nicely. He looked down and saw that he was almost at Ron's cage. "Ron!" Harry whispered. Ron looked up and saw him. He immediately began wiggling and shaking the cage.   
  
"I'll get you out, don't worry," Harry whispered, as he stopped the broom's descent and hovered next to the wall of the cellar.  
  
Ron frantically tried to say something behind the cloth in his mouth. His eyes darted this way and that.  
  
Then, suddenly, Harry felt something grab his broom stick. He looked, and to his surprise, saw a door open in the wall next to him. An arm had reached from the doorway and grabbed his broomstick's handle. Then the arm began to pull the broom, and Harry, into the doorway. Harry had to hold tight to the broom, so as not to fall into the water that was beneath the stair landing.   
  
As he was pulled in, he saw a glint of cold, cruel eyes in the room, and shiny, blond hair.  
  
(**A/N**- Sorry for the short chapter! More soon!)  
  
**REVIEWERS**  
  
SRAndrews- I agree. It does get kinda annoying when Lemony Snicket blabs on about why you shouldn't read the book, especially if it's right in the middle of a really important part like when Sunny got bitten by the viper. It's funny too, though, because it's definitely a unique style of writing.  
  
ERMonkey, Burner of Cookies- I think it's spelled secretary. Yes, Cound Olaf is definitely very evil in the 5th book, but I really like the Quagmires and Vice Principal Nero. He's soooooo hilarious! And I like Carmelita. I'm so glad he brought her back!  
  
Visualpurple- Maybe you can come over again this summer and we could see a Star Trek episode! I looove Star Trek! I found this hilarious website with Star Trek sounds like Spock saying "Fascinating". It's very funny. I guess McCoy is my favorite because he's sarcastic and funny.   
  
Celly- Thanks for reviewing. Make sure you read them in order. I didn't, because the second one wasn't in the library. It was pretty confuzziling.  
  
Candidus-lupus-full Moon- Glad you liked the chapter. Here's another one!  
  
Alouette- Yeah, Harry Potter and Lemony Snicket are my favorite series. I think. I don't know, I've read a lot of really good books. I hope the Lemony Snicket movie is good!  
  
Queenofinsanity- Thanks for reviewing this story, and my Star Trek story which I'm writing with my sister. I really like your pen name.  
  
Mairidlle- Thanks. Lemony's style is really hard to get, but I think I did okay. It's really fun to write.  
  
Amanda- I'm glad you liked my story! Here's the next chapter! Don't have a heart attack, please!  
  
**READ AND REVIEW!!**


	11. Chapter Eleven

**DISCLAIMER**- I don't own any of the characters. Of course, that doesn't mean that you should read this! Don't read this! It's miserable! This is the worst chapter yet!  
  
(By the way, readers, in case you're confused, Ron is trapped at the bottom of a well, right above the water. His cage is attached to the wall. There are stairs built into the well that go down to a landing right next to Ron's cage. There is a door to the cellar that leads onto the landing. Sorry if you were confused. I wish I had a picture, but all the pictures of Lord Voldemort's house have been burned our stolen. With all due respect, Remus Lupin)  
  
**Chapter Eleven**

"How pleasant of you to join us," the blonde haired man said in a sickly sweet voice. Harry tried to climb back out of the door, but the man grabbed his arm and dragged him all the way into the room, shutting the door behind him. He took Harry's broomstick and snapped it in half. Harry gulped.

"I'm so glad you're here." Lord Voldemort's assistant cackled. "Have a seat." "What are you going to do?" Harry tried to sound brave, but failed miserably. "I said HAVE A SEAT!" The blonde-haired assistant shoved Harry into a hard wooden chair. 

It was then that Harry actually got to have a look around him at the cellar room. I am certain that you have realized that people's rooms tend to reflect their personalities. In my room for instance, I have gathered a few things that are important to me, including an old, dusty bagpipe, which I have bewitched to play a few sad songs, a large bundle of parchment with notes about the Potters, a wizard chess set with half the pieces either broken or missing, and an old muggle photograph, taken a very long time ago, of a woman whose name is Lilianna. These items are all precious and dear to me, but Harry was unlucky enough to be in a cellar with things that were precious and dear to Lord Voldemort, and they were grotesque things. There were scraps of parchment on which he had written down his evil plans in an unreadable scribble, lying in messy piles on top of a desk that looked like someone had bitten large chunks out of it. Also on the desk was the copy of A Wizard's Guide to Nuptial Law that Lord Voldemort had taken from Hermione. Floating above Harry's head were blood-red candles that let off a foul odor of burning leaves. Littered around the room were empty Firewhisky bottles and there was a shelf full of all kinds of evil-looking potions. In one corner was a fireplace with a cauldron next to it, full of some hissing liquid. But the worst parts of the cellar were the paintings and drawings and carvings and sketches and sculptures of skulls. Millions and million of skulls, all with the same snake protruding from their mouths. Skulls on the walls, skulls on the floor, there was a skull carved in the doorknob and a large marble sculpture of a skull. This was truly a grotesque, a word which here means, "as unbearable to look at as Lord Voldemort himself," place to be.

The Blonde-haired man went over to the fire and threw some floo powder in it, yelling "Lord Voldemort!" Immediately, their guardian's horrible face appeared in the flames. "Why are you disturbing me, you fool?"

"Because the stupid sports freak just came down to try and rescue the chafing chessplayer."

"What's chafing?"

"It's really, really, annoying."

"Of course. I knew that." Lord Voldemort said hastily. "You don't have to tell me everything. How'd he get down there?"

"I flew. On a broomstick." Harry said defiantly.

"Stupid!" Voldemort's assistant laughed. "You could have just walked down the stairs like I did." "Why would anyone want to do what you did?" Lord Voldemort asked. "You're an imbecile. Anyway, just keep him down there until showtime. Oh, and lock my bride down there too." Then his face disappeared.

"Well, I'm off to get his bushy-haired bride." The blonde-haired man said, and shut and locked the door behind him. Harry was going to say that Hermione's hair was better then his, but decided against it. Instead, he sighed and considered their situation. It was going from bad to worse. Now Hermione and he were going to be locked down in the cellar and Ron was in a cage. What could be worse? "Being dead, I suppose." Harry said aloud. He just couldn't help but remember the promise he had made to his parents.

Then he heard the footsteps of the blonde-haired man returning. The door opened and he threw in a confused-looking Hermione, then shut the door, saying "I'll be right outside, so don't try anything funny."

"Am I dead?' Hermione asked, blinking.

"No, but just as good as." Harry said miserably. "We're locked in the cellar because I got caught trying to rescue Ron. I flew down on a broomstick." Hermione just stared at him, then her eyes began to close and her head drooped. She hadn't had any sleep last night, having stayed up reading to save their lives, so she was exhausted. Harry sighed and slapped her across the face.

"Owwwww!" Hermione cried. Harry shook her and said "You're getting married to Lord Voldemort in the morning! We have to do something!"

"Oh...." Hermione blinked and shook herself. "I forgot! The Marvelous Marriage! Come on Harry, you're so slow! Let's get to work."

"_I'm_ slow?" Harry muttered under his breath.

"Let's look through his books and papers." Hermione suggested. "Maybe we could find something."

For the next few hours, Hermione and Harry searched the room and their minds for anything that might help them. Hermione tried to use her wand to unlock the door, but it didn't work. Harry tried looking through the papers, because Hermione said she couldn't read them, they were too messy. Harry was used to reading Ron's scribbled notes from class, and Lord Voldemort's writing was a lot neater than his brother's, so he was the one trying to get something useful out of Lord Voldemort's evil plans.

"If I had invisible ink, then I could sign my name in that, and it would disappear." Hermione suggested.

"But we don't have any invisible ink." Harry said mournfully.

They were quiet for several hours.

"If you were part centaur, then Lord Voldemort's plans wouldn't work." Harry said. "Centaurs have stricter marriage laws. But first you'd have to prove you're a centaur."

"And I'm not." Hermione rolled her eyes. "Duh."

"Oh yeah." Harry laughed weakly. "I knew that."

They were quiet for several _more_ hours.

"I could burn up the parchment with my wand." Hermione suggested. "But I think that Lord Voldemort would drop Ron's cage into he water and he'd drown."

"I most certainly would." Lord Voldemort said, and the orphans jumped. They had been so involved that they didn't hear their guardian come in. He was wearing a fancy orange and brown striped suit and his shiny eyes were positively glittering. "Come, orphans," he said. "Its time for the big event! My associate here will stay behind in this cellar with Ron's cage. If anything goes wrong, I will use my wand and say 'Accio book.' Then that Nuptial law book will be drawn toward the stage where we are performing. That's how the charm works."

"We know how it works." Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Good." Lord Voldemort's chuckled. "Then you should know that at that signal, my assistant will make sure you never see your brother alive again. Just make sure you sign your name-however you say it- Herm-one? Hir-mon-ie? Whatever. And say 'I do'. Now, come along."

As Hermione and Harry walked up the half-broken steps out of the well, they felt the feeling of all hope leaving them. Harry looked down at Ron and then looked back at Lord Voldemort's despicable face. Then, just as Lord Voldemort put the grating back over the well's entrance, Hermione thought about what Lord Voldemort had just said. And she thought and thought and thought, harder then she'd ever done on her life, even on her Transfiguration exams.  
  
**REVIEWERS**-  
  
Queenofinsanity- Since summer's almost over (sniff, sniff) I should probably be updating more. But I don't know. This is my first year in high school. I might be really busy with homework. Plus my field hockey team starts practicing 3 weeks BEFORE SCHOOL EVEN STARTS!! Meaning DURING THE SUMMER! Meaning RIGHT NOW!! Isn't that cruel?  
  
Candidus-lupus-full Moon- The Reptile Room is one of the best books! I like the fifth one best, though. I can't wait till this next book comes out!! WEEEEEEEE! Thanks for reviewing!  
  
SRAndrews- It's in the Reptile Room. He filled up a whole page with the word ever because he was saying "Don't ever ever ever ever.... fiddle with an electrical outlet unless you are smart like Violet." It was really funny, but it must have gotten really boring.  
  
dweem-angel- Yeah, the blonde-haired man is Malfoy. I think you're the first one to figure it out. Guess who the rat-like man is! And the two large, strong men. Thanks for the compliment.  
  
Celly- Here's another chapter. Do you have a pen name on fanfiction? If so, what is it?  
  
visualpurple- Did you get the Camp Cherith picture developed yet? Call me when you do!!! I have field hockey practice DURING THE SUMMER BEFORE SCHOOL STARTS!! Isn't that ridiculious? It's 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours at night! Grrrrrr. Fortunately it's not too hot. It started yesterday. I got my hair cut a little bit. I went to get contacts, but first they had to fit my eyes for them and since I have a really bad perscription (-6) They need to order them, so I have to wait. Grrrr again. UPDATE A STORY SOOOON! Alania and I are almost done with putting quotes from the second book in our common place book.  
  
Kandie-Spirit-Dragon- Thanks for the compliments. Glad you liked my story! Thanks for reviewing!  
  
**YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE READ THIS, BUT SINCE YOU DID, YOU MIGHT AS WELL REVIEW!**


	12. Chapter Twelve

**DISCLAIMER**- I don't own any of the characters or the plot, despite the fact that I have spent many hours researching the Potters lives.  
  
**Chapter Twelve**  
  
As Hermione and Harry Potter stood, still in their nightgown and pajamas, backstage at Lord Voldemort's theater, they couldn't help but feel amazed at being backstage at a theatrical production such as this. They were of course terrified and without any hope, but they couldn't help watching all the members of Lord Voldemort's troupe hurrying around, too busy to even glance at the children. The two large, fat men with rippling muscles were carrying a large, ugly green sofa with orange and yellow flowers all over it. The short, bald, nervous looking man was adjusting the light fixtures.  
  
As the children peeked onstage, they could see Lord Voldemort, in his hideous orange and brown suit, reciting some lines from the play.  
  
When the blonde-haired man had closed the curtain, Lord Voldemort strode offstage and saw the children. "It's the end of Act Two!" He cried to one of the strong men. Get the orphans in their costumes!"  
  
Then the audience broke into applause and Lord Voldemort's frown turned into a large smile that made his eyes shine even more. "My public awaits!" he said, and went back onstage to blow kisses to the audience.  
  
As soon as he was offstage again, he scowled. "Intermission is only 5 minutes, and then the children must perform!"  
  
"Right, Boss." The man grunted. He grabbed the orphans and shoved them into a dressing room. Then he tossed in after them two costumes. Hermione picked one up and looked at it. It appeared to be a purple robe with stars painted on it. "This must be your wizard costume." Hermione said.  
  
"What kind of a wizard would wear bright gold stars on a purple robe?" Harry wondered aloud.  
  
"And look," Hermione pulled out a pointed wizard hat with the same stars. "It even comes with a hat." She shoved it over Harry's head and it covered his eyes.  
  
The man with rippling muscles banged on the door so hard that the doorknob fell off. "Hurry up, orphans." He said gruffly.  
  
Hermione quickly pulled on what she figured was her outfit. It was a white, itchy dress with ugly satin flowers pinned on it. When she turned to look at Harry, she had to bite her tongue not to laugh. The robe was much to big for him and it dragged along on the floor.  
  
They finished changing just in time. The strong man knocked again and the door fell off its hinges. "Come _on_!" He grabbed them both and began to drag them toward the stage. They passed Madam Hooch, who was all dressed up in her Hogwarts teaching robe.  
  
"Isn't this exciting?" she cried as they passed. "Hermione, you look like an _excellent_ bride in that dress."  
  
Hermione's face turned to one of shock and horror as she realized that she was indeed wearing a wedding dress. "Act Three of The Wonderful Wedding by Tom Marvolo Riddle is about to begin!" A man with a clipboard shouted. "Everyone please get in your places!"  
  
The man with the rippling muscles dragged them in front of the curtain. "No funny stuff." he told them, shaking a muscular finger at them. "Remember, when you're onstage, do _exactly_ what the boss told you. Lord Voldemort will be holding his wand the entire time, in case he has to signal. Then it's bye-bye Ronnikins."  
  
"We _know_." Growled Harry. He was tired of being told the same thing over and over. It's not like he wasn't intelligent. Or at least, it's not like he was stupid.  
  
"You'd better not screw it up." The man warned him again.  
  
"I'm sure they won't." said a voice suddenly, and the children turned to see Mr. Fudge, dressed nicely and accompanied by his wife. "We just wanted to come and tell you to 'break a leg." He smiled. "That means 'good luck', by the way."  
  
"We _know_ what it means." Hermione muttered.  
  
After Mr. Fudge had finished sneezing into his hankerchief he continued "I'm glad you two are participating in tonight's performance. It will help you bond with your father."  
  
Both the children shivered at the word 'father'.  
  
"Where's Ron?" Asked Mr. Fudge. "Is he performing too?"  
  
"He's stuck in-" Hermione began. But she felt the large, fat man's fingernails begin to dig into her arm and she finished lamely, "he's stuck in bed with... the flu."  
  
"Oh, that's too bad." The large, fat man said with fraudulent sympathy, a word which here means 'very fake and not real at all'. "Now, we'd best get going."  
  
"Goodbye, Potters. Break a leg!" Mr. Fudge said.  
  
"I wish we _could_ break someone's leg." Harry whispered to Hermione, after Mr. Fudge had left.  
  
The large, fat man took Harry over to one side of the stage and said "You will stand here for the duration of the play. The word 'duration' means-"  
  
"I _know_ what it means!" Harry cried. Actually, he didn't, but he was to frustrated to listen to Lord Voldemort's evil associate.  
  
Harry watched the man drag Hermione over to stand next to Lord Voldemort, and then the courain rose and Act Three of The Wonderful Wedding by Tom Marvolo Riddle began.  
  
It will be of no interest to you if I was to describe what happened in this mundane- a word which here means 'boring and pointless'- play by Tom Marvolo Riddle because it was a horrible play and of no importance to this story. Various actors and actresses declaimed dull dialogue and moved slowly around the stage, as if they were boring themselves to sleep. It was obvious the audience was no longer paying any attention to the plot because of the loud snoring that could be heard from the seats. Lord Voldemort made many long speeches with weird facial expressions. No one seemed to notice he held a wand with him the entire play.  
  
Finally, Madam Hooch came out and began reading from a book intitled "The Wedding Ceremony." Her eyes were sparkling and Harry could tell she was very nervous because she stuttered a lot, and dropped the book twice. Her speech was about Voldemort and Hermione caring for each other in sickness and health, good times and even horrible, depressing times.  
  
When she finished, Madam Hooch turned to Lord Voldemort and asked "Do you take this women to be your lawfully wedded wife?"  
  
"I do." Lord Voldemort answered, his eyes shining brightly.  
  
"Do you," Madam Hooch asked Hermione, "Take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"  
  
"I...do." Hermione sighed. Harry clenched his fists. His sister had said 'I do' in the prescense of Madam Hooch, who had the authority to marry people. Now all she had to do was sign the document and the wedding was valid.  
  
Hermione's fingers shook as Madam Hooch handed her a document to sign.  
  
"Don't move one single inch." The large, fat man whispered in Harry's ear and Harry thought of Ron, trapped in the cage above the deep water. He watched Hermione's pale face as she took the quill from Lord Voldemort and, her hand trembling, signed her name. H E R M E O N E.  
  
**REVIEWERS**-  
  
ERMonkey, Burner of Cookies- You're very smart. No one else noticed my hint about what hermione's plan was. Good job! I was thinking about just doing the other hand thing, but that's what Violet did in the Series of Unfortunate Events, so I wanted to do something different. This is Hermione in the Serius of Unlucky Occurances.  
  
Queenofinsanity- Excellent, you got everyone! Can you think of any more assistants I could add? I'm going to use Bellatrix later.  
  
Kandie-Spirit-Dragon- Yeah, I hope that something good will happen at the end of the Series of Unfortunate Events. I'd be so sad if it had a unhappy ending.  
  
candidus-lupus-full Moon- Cool! I want to see what the new cover looks like! I wonder who will disguise themselves in this next book, Count Olaf or the Baudelaires. Probably the Baudelaires again.  
  
Visualpurple- I thought of an idea for you to write about. It could be from a first person point of view with the narrator being "I". The person could talk about how their parents started acting weird and they got all kinds of secret messages but didn't know it. Then their house could burn down or something and they could start finding out about VFD. Maybe it could be about R, the Dutchess of Winnipeg. Or you could do a story about Madam Lulu before the schism, or Carmelita's early life or something like that. That would be cool!  
  
SRAndrews- Thanks for the compliment about Lemony Snicket's style. It helps that I'm reading the first book as I do this. Mostly I just take a paragraph from the book and rephrase it to fit the characters.  
  
Eien Farrell- Here's another chapter! Quick, before you die! Don't have a heart attack!  
  
Ninja-Slayer- Yeah, I've read all 10 books of Lemony Snicket and the 5 Harry Potter books. I've actually only read Harry Potter book 5 once. I'm planing on reading it again, but we've gone on so many trips this summer that I haven't gotten around to it. I wanted to bring it and read on the long car rides, but do you have any idea how much that thing WEIGHS?? It took up half of my backpack! I didn't bring it to camp either because it won't fit in my duffel bag!  
  
curiousknowitall- Your name sounds like Hermione Granger. I like it. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
**READ AND REVIEW!!** Chapter 13 (unlucky, ooooo) Coming up next! 


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**DISCLAIMER**- I don't own any of the characters  
  
**Chapter Thirteen  
**  
"And now, Wizards and Witches," Lord Voldemort said, stepping forward to address the audience. "We will stop performing this performance because will have already performed enough, and by performing enough, I have made what was supposed to be a performance legally valid."

"What are you talking about?" Someone in the audience shouted.

"Hermione Potter is now my wife, and I have control over her entire fortune." Lord Voldemort smirked evilly.

Everyone gasped and looked at one enother in shock, except for the members of the audience who were still asleep.

"That can't be!" Madam Hooch cried.

"The marriage laws are very simple." Lord Voldemort said proudly, showing off his brilliance. "All Hermione had to do was say "I do" in the prescene of someone authorized to marry people, and sign this document."

"But Hermione's so young!" Cried Madam Hooch. "Since when is she old enough to marry?"

"Since now!" Lord Voldemort laughed. "Since her legal guardian said so. And, besides being her new husband, I am also her legal guardian."

"But that's just a _prop_!" Madam Hooch protested, waving her hand at the document.

Lord Voldemort gave it to Madam Hooch and said, "If you look carefully, you will see that it is most certainly a real document from City Hall."

Madam Hooch took the paper and scanned it. Then she sighed. "You're right." She turned to Hermione. "I'm afraid, dear, that you name is now Lady Hermione.... Wait, is Voldemort your last name or first name?"

Suddenly, Mr. Fudge came running onto the stage. "She can't be married!" He cried. "This is ridiculous nonsense."

"I'm afraid that ridiculous nonsense is the law." Madam Hooch said, tears filling her eyes. "I can't believe how _easily_ he tricked me!"

"You _were_ tricked easily!" Lord Voldemort laughed. "It was child's play, winning this fortune. And now, I think my bride and I will be taking a trip to the bank."

"First let Ron go!" Harry shouted.

"Where's Ron?' Mr. Fudge inquired.

"He's all caged up at the moment." Lord Voldemort laughed, and his assistants joined in. "But all right." Lord Voldemort turned to the short, bald, nervous-looking man and said, "Go tell the blonde man that he can bring the brat back." The short, bald assistant scurried away. "There, are we all happy now?" Lord Voldemort glared at Harry.

"Yes." Harry muttered, even though it was a complete lie. He was not happy about the way things were turning out, but at least his brother wasn't stuck in a cage.

"I'm not happy at _all_!" Mr. Fudge cried. "This is insane. What kind of lunatic are you?"

"An intelligent, sly and crafty lunatic." Lord Voldemort smiled. "And I'm coming over tomorrow to withdraw the entire Potter fortune from Gringotts bank."

"I won't give it to you!" cried Mr. Fudge."I'll bar the doors so you can't come in!"

"I'm afraid he has every right to all Hermione's money." Madam Hooch said tearfully.

"Begging you pardon." Hermione said suddenly, "But I think you might be mistaken."

"What was that, Lady Hermione?" Asked Lord Voldemort, glaring at her.

"Don't call me that!" She glared back. "I'm not your wife, because I didn't sign the document with my own hand, as the law states."

"What are you talking about?" cried Lord Voldemort. "We all saw you! You're just being stupid!"

"No, I'm not." Hermione countered. "If you will give me the document." Madam Hooch handed it to her. "As you can see, the signature on this document is Hermeone. That's not my name. My name is spelled H E R M I O N E. This isn't my name."

"What?!!" Lord Voldemort snatched the paper from Madam Hooch and scanned it. Then he turned to Hermione. "Liar!" he cried.

"You can look on her birth certificate." Harry interjected. "Her name is definitely spelled H E R M I O N E.

"That doesn't matter." Lord Voldemort argued. "You signed it, so that's your signature, so this marriage is legally binding, so you are my wife, so I have control over your fortune! Nothing else matters!"

"I think I should be the one to say if it matters." Madam Hooch said quietly. Everyone looked at her. She closed her eyes, wrinkled her brow, and thought long and hard. The Potter children held their breath as Madam Hooch thought about the situation. Finally, she smiled. "Because Hermione did not sign the document with her name and signature, as the law states, this marriage is invalid. Lord Voldemort, you lose!" she yelled the last line to his face.

"Hooray!" cried the audience, and they began to clap, cheer and throw roses on the stage.

"That doesn't change a thing!" Lord Voldemort cried. "If you don't marry me again, properly this time, I will signal to my assistant and your brother will be-"

"I'm here!" Ron cried, running into the theater. "Too late!"

"Ron, you're safe." Hermione cried, almost in tears. She ran and hugged her brother. Harry did the same.

"Someone bring me something to eat!" Ron cried. "I'm starving!"

"How about some Bertie Botts Beans?" Harry suggested, laughing. Ron made a disgusted face.

"Arrrgh!" Lord Voldemort cried. Then he pointed at Hermione. "You may not be my wife, but you are still my daughter, so-"

"Do you seriously think," Mr. Fudge asked, exasperated, "that I would let you stay as guardian over these children?"

"But they're _mine_!" Lord Voldemort cried. "You can't take them away. I've done nothing illegal."

"Yes you have." Madam Hooch said. "You trapped Ron in a cage!"

"It was a _clean _cage!" Lord Voldemort argued.

"Arrest him!" A voice from the audience cried. Other people also took up the cry.

"Send him to jail!"

"He's and evil man!"

"And refund our tickets! It was a boring show!"

Mr. Fudge, after a brief fit of sneezing, said "I hereby arrest you in the name of the law!"

"And the children can live with me," Madam Hooch declared.

"Do you really mean it?" Hermione cried. "Can we read all your library books?"

"Can we play in your Quidditch field?" Harry asked.

"Can we eat all your Bertie Botts Beans?" Ron asked. "Just kidding, Harry can eat those."

Everybody laughed.

At this point in the story, I must interupt and give you one last warning. If may seem like Lord Voldemort's evil plans have been defeated and that he will be put in jail and the orphans will live happily with Madam Hooch and eat her candy. But if you believe this, you will be doing the exact opposite of the aphorism "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." Instead of taking something good and saying it's bad, you will be taking a horrible, miserable story and pretending that it ends happy. But if you want to, you may. Then you won't start crying, and you will never know that when everyone was laughing, the blonde-haired man with cold, hard eyes who was in the cellar with Ron was sneaking across to a control panel on the side of the stage. He clicked a button and suddenly all the different spot lights were flickering on and off at once. The light was blinding. Everyone in the audience screamed and people covered their eyes to shut out the flashing different colored lights. Mr. Fudge grabbed Madam Hooch, thinking it was Voldemort. Hermione sat down with her head on the ground, trying to block out the brilliant lights.

Harry, who had seen the man just before he clicked the button, made his way toward the control panel as fast as he could. He had to try and shield his eyes from the light with every step. When he reached the control panel he thought back to when the blonde-haired man had pushed the button, and pushed what he thought was the same one. But then all the lights went out and people screamed even more. So he punched another button and a few central lights went on. It was enough for people to see.

Lord Voldemort, in the distraction, had run to the door of the theater with his assistants. As he ran outside he yelled, "I'll get your fortune yet, Potters! And when I do, I'll kill you all with my own two hands!" Him and his assistants laughed maniacally, and were gone.

"After them!" Mr. Fudge cried, sneezing into his hankerchief. By the time they had gotten outside, they could see, way, way down the street, a long black car driving away. Maybe it was Voldemort, maybe not.

"Blast it." Mr. Fudge cried. "They're gone. No matter. I'll call the police!"

The orphans had little hope that the police would catch someone as sly and sneaky as Lord Voldemort.

"Let's go home, children." Madam Hooch said. "I'll bake you a cake."

Mr. Fudge looked down at the ground and gave a small sneeze. "I'm sorry children, but I can't allow you to be raised by someone who isn't a relative."

"But Madam Hooch is so kind and helpful!" Hermione cried.

"But you do want to obey your parents' wishes, do you not?" Mr. Fudge asked. "And you parents' will said only a relative. Come back to my house and I'll find a relative for you tomorrow."

The children looked sadly at Madam Hooch and she hugged each of them goodbye. "I'll miss you." Her eye's filled with tears.

"We'll miss you too." Hermione sniffed.

Then they climbed into Mr. and Mrs.Fudge's cars along with them and waved to Madam Hooch as she became a small speck.

"So long!" Madam Hooch called after them.

"Farewell!" Harry said

"Auf Wiedersehen." Hermione added.

"Goodbye!" Ron cried.

They didn't understand why their lives were so unfortunate. But just because it doesn't make sense, doesn't mean it isn't so. As the Potters continued to wave, even when the automobile rounded a corner in the road, they felt they were moving in a direction that would only lead to more misery and unfortunate events. They felt like this was only a sinister start to a life full of unlucky occurances.  
  
(**A/N**- About the whole inheritance thing. Even though Harry is the eldest and will inherit the fortune at age 18, if Lord Voldemort had killed Harry and married Hermione, then when she was 18, she would inherit the fortune)  
  
**REVIEWERS**

curiousknowitall- I started reading the story by EyesOfEmerald. It's pretty good. Another really good Mauraders story is Forever Alive by Mordred. That's sooooooo good! It's rated PG-13, but she warns you in the disclaimer which chapters are the violent ones. They're mostly about Remus's transformations and they're really not that bad. It's really long though, 118 chapters!!! I love LOTR!!! That's such a good book and movie series.  
  
candidus-lupus-full Moon- Thanks for reviewing. Glad you liked the chapter.  
  
Alouette- Yeah, Prufrock will by Hogwarts. The Quagmires will be....actually, I think you're just going to have to wait and find out. Muahahahahaha!!! I think it's so weird how well the HP characters fit into the series of Unfortunate Events, don't you?  
  
Visualpurple- Hey S!! I'm writing a Lemony Snicket story. It's going to be either called "The story of 3 initials, all of which are secret." but that might not fit. Rachel suggested I call it "Lemony Snicket" and then in the summary write "The truth behind the lies behind in the truth behind the man behind the hedges." That would be funny. Or I"ll call it "The Little Snicket Lad." But I also want to put in the summary "Before 3 unfortunate children were born, there was a little Snicket lad." Give me advice!  
  
**END OF BOOK 1 OF THE SERIES OF UNLUCKY OCCURANCES**

To my kind Editor,

I am writing to you from the Dragonology Society, where I am trying to find out what happened to the Dragon collection of Professer Rubeus Hagrid following the miserable events that occurred with the Potter orphans were in his care.

One of my assosciates with place a box under the furthest table from the door to the Leaky Cauldron. Inside you will find a description of the miserable events in a book entitled  
"The Dragon Dungeon, as well as a map of Stinky Street, a tape of the performance of Orphans in the Elevator Shaft, and Professor Hagrid's recipe for rock cakes.

Remember, you are my last hope that the tales of the Potter orphans can finally be told to the general public.

With all due respect,

_Remus Lupin_


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